Accolade and Applause

Why does our flesh crave attention so much?  Why is pride such a stumbling block?  Why do we cry out to be seen and heard?  Haven't we all at some point in our lives been star struck?  Haven't we all wanted to be like someone else?  Haven't we all wanted to be known?  Why do we post all those pictures and videos of ourselves on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram?  Are we seeking notoriety of some sort?  What drives us to work hard at our craft or talent?  Why do we label those who don't crave the spotlight as odd, weird or eccentric?

I know that at some point in my life I have been guilty of all of the above.  I have had false hope in myself and my abilities on way too many occasions.  Too often I have taken the credit for something that I alone could never do.  Honestly,  though I would like to, I can't even take credit for anything good in my girls.  While 3 of them grew in my womb, I was not the one who formed them.  If I have ever offered them any good advice or have given them good instruction, even that came from God.  So while it's easy for me to rob God of His glory, in the end I must admit that there is nothing good in me unless by His will He put it there.

God makes us.  God gifts us.  All talent, wisdom and strength come from Him.  We are His creation for His pleasure.  We may work really hard to develop our talents, but in doing that, are we working for His glory or our own?  Are we using the talents He has supplied in us for His cause or our own?   "A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven." John 3:27.  Too many of us believe the lie that our lives belong to us to do with as we choose.  We live in the here and now and give no thought to our eternal purpose.  This does not just apply to the lost either.  There are many who are serving in the church all over the world who struggle with the same issue.

I don't have the answers to all the questions I've asked and probably never will in my time on earth.   I guess I don't really need to know all the answers as long as I know THE ONE who has all the answers.  Today I'm asking God to help me to serve with humility and grace and to cast out arrogance and pride.  I need Him to remind me at every moment to whom I belong.  I want Him to fill me with adoration of who He is in me and then let the "me" fade away so that all that is left to be seen is HIM!  Maybe it's time to sit courageously quiet on the back row and be the odd, weird or eccentric one.

"He must increase, but I must decrease."  John 3:30

The Battle Within

I'm far from a poet but I wrote this the other day and I'm following up my post from earlier in the week with it.  So for all you literary types or English professionals you will have to overlook any rhythm missteps.  I just write it down as it comes to me and it isn't always pretty!  My senior English teacher, Miss Morgan would roll over if she saw some of the stuff I've posted.  So apologies to her.  She did try her best to educate me.

The battle is raging though my eyes cannot see
My mind keeps on screaming, "Let me be free!"
Flee from my memory and remind me no more
Stop standing and waiting crouched at my door


Long ago demons I thought were at rest
The struggle is frequent and unrelenting at best
They stir up my memories and mess with my mind
They spin me in circles and leave my eyes blind


Like a heavy black fog they creep into my dreams
Though I try to call out they silence my screams
They lurk in the scents and the tunes of my past
They cling and they claw with a grip that's so vast


So once again in full armor I struggle to stand
I draw out my sword and with bible in hand
I face down my enemy and retreat no more
I press ever forward and shout from my door


"That is not who I am or forever will be.
That is simply the old and the worst part of me!
God Cleansed me and gave me a robe of pure white.
His grace gives me freedom to fight the good fight."

The Strange Change - A Mother Story

My mom went out last night with a friend.  Now you might be thinking, "Well isn't that nice."  Just let me say that her going out started an evening of head spinning emotions for my sister, my husband and I.
I'll begin by telling you a bit about my mom so you can understand the situation fully.  Mom is 84 years old and lives by herself in a tiny little town in New Mexico.  She drives to another town about 40 minutes away every Thursday to get her hair done and do her weekly shopping.  This has been her routine for many years.  Mom learned to drive as an adult and while not the greatest driver in the world she is a cautious driver and does very well, umm unless you count when she drove into the cement blockade in front of her local Town and Country one morning.  That's another story.

Mom gets up every morning around 4 AM and starts her daily routine of cleaning or working in her yard, maybe cooking or baking something for an ailing friend, and then going to the Senior Center to eat lunch with her friends.  In the afternoon she may go play games with her friends, take someone to the doctor or just piddle around her house and then catch the evening news.  She is usually ready for bed by 7 PM at the latest and always falls asleep watching one of her shows on TV.

On Thursdays I generally call her in the late afternoon or evening to see how her trip to the beauty shop went.  Now I do realize they are called "salons" nowadays but to Mom it is and always will be the "beauty shop".  Last night I went to my granddaughter's soccer game so I didn't call until around 7:30 PM to check in with her.  No answer.  Thinking she might be in the bath I wait 30 minutes and call again.  Still no answer so I leave a message stating that I'm wondering where she is and to call me when she gets in.  I hang up and call her cell phone which I have finally convinced her to leave on when she is away from the house.  I don't even bother to leave a message there because although I have showed her numerous times how to retrieve the messages, she still can't seem to do it.  I'm mildly worried at this point but not alarmed.  I call both phones every 30 minutes for the next 3 hours.  Around 9 PM I texted my sister to see if she spoke with her and knew something I didn't concerning her whereabouts.  She doesn't.  Now we are both worrying and I've involved my husband also who is a bit upset with her for making us all worry.   By 10:15 PM my sister and I are frantically searching for phone numbers of friends and neighbors.  She was on the internet and I was digging through drawers.  Finally she decides to get in the car and drive to New Mexico.  I'm still digging and my husband continues the internet search with any name  I can think of.  At last we locate a number and I phone her friend.   She of course hasn't spoke with her all day and knowing how my mom loves to go to bed early and hates the cold, she says she will make some calls and head over to her house and call me back.  I call my sister and tell her to wait a few minutes before she leaves town.   The friend calls back in 5 minutes and has located her.  Seems she and her neighbor are at the Senior Center listening to a country western band.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????  My mom is out on the town and has missed her curfew that I have self appointed her and she has not even had the courtesy to call me and ask my permission to be out late.
Furthermore, why did she not have that cell phone we bought her handy?  She should have at least let me know she made it home from the beauty shop.  Here I am pacing the floors thinking she could be lying in a ditch or unconscious somewhere and she's out partying with her friends.  Boy is she in trouble when she gets home!

Whoa there Donna.  Take a deep breath and relax.  She is OK.  Did she not offer you grace on a few occasions when you wrecked your car, came in a bit late, forgot to call and tell her you were going to a friends after school?

The phone rings a little before 11 PM and a timid little voice starts making all the excuses she can think of.  She feels bad for worrying us and I agree that the loud music probably made it impossible to hear her phone that was stuffed inside her purse.  "No Mother, it's not broken it works fine you just didn't hear it."
I listen patiently as she tells me how her friend begged her to get dressed and go with her.  (Yeah that's a good one I've used before.)   Oh and the ever classic, "I was with her and didn't have a way home.  I told her I wanted to leave an hour ago."  (Whatever!)

My daughter Crystal with her Nannie Retta

Wait a minute.  At what point in my life did I stop being the child and become the parent of my mom.  Was all that child raising just practice for this time of life.  Watching your parents age is a difficult thing.    I'm sure it is strange for my mom to watch me begin to age also.  She is convinced that I have more wrinkles than her and that she is healthier than I ever thought about being.  She could be right on both counts.  I'm blessed to still have her in my life and if she worries me sometime then I will count that a blessing too.  I didn't have the heart to scold her when it came down to it last night but I'm thinking she won't be doing that again.  I could be wrong.  I seem to remember thinking my daughters wouldn't do stuff again either.  LORD give me courage!!!

Maintaining Regrets

Regrets.  We all have them.   We regret not spending more time with a loved one who has died.  We regret yelling at our spouse or our children.  We regret telling that lie or maybe we just regret not buying that cute pair of shoes the other day that would've matched the pants we are wearing today.  Life is full of regrets.  Some are a learning experience.  Some are sad and some are just downright annoying when they keep reminding us of our shortcomings.  So what do you do with all those regrets?  

Although maybe not so humorous at the time, I have one regret that makes me smile and sometimes laugh.  I regret not checking on Crystal and her cousin a little sooner the Sunday afternoon they completely covered themselves and the entire bathroom with powder.  Two little ghostly white 4 year olds stood in a cloud of powder surrounded by powdery tiles, tub, toilet, carpet and sink, peering at me with the only things not white in the room, two little brown eyes and two little blue eyes.  This regret was short lived but one that helped me to remember to check on them a little more frequently.  This one definitely falls in the learning experience category.  I also regret not snapping a picture of the scene which I would've scanned and included here for your amusement.


When is comes right down to it, I think many regrets are born out of sin.  Things we did that we wish we hadn't done or things that we didn't do out of selfishness that we wish we had done.  Things we have long ago repented of and asked forgiveness for but we can't quiet rid ourselves from the memory of them.  This thought hit home for me while listening to the song, "How He Loves" by David Crowder.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ
A line from the song says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us.  Oh how He loves us. How He loves us oh."  Is that what I've been doing?  Do I carefully maintain my regrets?  Do I allow them to distract me from the fact that I'm a forgiven child of God.  Do I hold on to them instead of living in freedom from them?  


With 6 girls you can bet that they all have things that they wish they had said or not said and done or not done.  As their mom/stepmom, I would never consider reminding them of those things.  I would never want them to continue to hang on to anything that might cause them pain.  I love them all too much to want them to hurt.  Doesn't the same thing apply to all of us.  God our Father would never want us to maintain our regrets and continue to hang on to them.  He loves us too much for that!  


It's hard to let them go.  It's hard to forget them but maybe the point isn't to forget them but just to learn from them.  I've found that it takes courage to trust someone enough to believe that they will not hold your regrets against you but sometimes it takes more courage to not hold them against yourself.  Love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8  


Maybe I should live in grace and maintain my sanity instead of my regrets!