Coming Fast and Passing Slow

Life sometimes takes us by storm.  It blows in on us like the West Texas sandstorm that barraged us this week with 60 mph winds that ripped off roofs, downed lines and trees and covered highways and houses (yes houses) with blowing tumbleweeds.  It often leaves behind a mess to deal with just like my garage that was full of leaves that blew in and sand that made its way into every window and door of our home.  I swept up the leaves, vacuumed up the dirt and washed the car.  While the dust is still settling from that storm I know that as we enter the month of March, there is a promise of more wind on the horizon.  Very soon I will need to once again, sweep up the leaves, wash the car and vacuum up the dust and dirt.  It's just what we do around here this time of year.  What takes nature minutes to do, takes us days to clean up.  I find that life is a lot like that lately.  It comes too fast and it passes too slow.

"Mom, I'm pregnant."  In the time it took to Melanie to breathe those words out, life as I knew it changed.  My thoughts raced ahead as I chased after them futilely trying to just be in the moment.  Sometimes the words "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself", totally escape my mind.  I start trying to solve all the problems before they even take form.  The information of new life on the way came at me fast but the 9 months it actually takes that life to arrive is SO slow.

"May I marry your daughter?"  That one question took Thomas mere seconds to ask but once again life as I knew it has changed.  Thomas and Lauren will be marrying in what we consider a relatively short amount of time to plan a wedding.  After the proposal we shifted into an unknown gear that I'm sure is only available on the space shuttle.  Securing the church, the reception venue, and the date became an urgent task.  The dress is ordered and as it turns out in the nick of time.  We've viewed wedding invitations and discussed music.  We've worked on menus, talked to photographers and discussed  flowers and decorations.  It's an exciting time but I know that once the initial flurry slows it will pass slow as we wait for the day.

Dad has cancer.  Oh no!  Not the "C" word again.  Our lives were rocked 14 years ago with my diagnosis.  Hearing those words sort of makes everything shift into slow motion.  If you've ever walked that path you know exactly what I mean.  You wait for the diagnosis, you wait for the next appointment, you wait for the next test, you wait for surgery, you wait for the sickness to subside, you wait to feel better, you wait, and wait and wait.  Your life changes in an instant.  Gary's dad's news came at us fast but the treatment and recovery will pass slow for us all.

Yes, life comes at us fast.  Sometimes it brings joy and excitement and sometimes it brings anxiety and fear of the unknown.  I am thankful that I walk by faith and not by sight.  I am thankful that God goes before us and will never leave us nor forsake us.  I am thankful for a God who sees me and loves me and will tend to my every need.  I'm thankful that I have the courage to face tomorrow because my savior lives!  Let the storm howl and the dust choke out the sunlight.  Let the moments that change my life flash with the speed of lightening and rage with untold fury.  Let each day tick by slowly as I seek His will and sweep away the doubt and fear.  Come at me fast and pass slow.  With dust pan in hand, I'm standing on the ROCK!

I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.  

                                                                                                                               Psalm 16:8

My inspiration and loves!

Lauren Elizabeth, Crystal, Lindsay, Emily, Melanie, Lauren Beth

Is it Really Enough?

Do you always engage when you are singing praise songs?  Do you really listen to the words and take them to heart every time you are singing them?  Do you really mean those words?  I would like to think that I do, but the truth is, I don't always.  Sometimes I sing along just because I like the tune or I've sung it a hundred times and I simply like singing it.  Honestly, sometimes I'm not truly worshipping when I'm singing at church.  Yes, I'm letting the cat out of the bag.  Sometimes  I am just a clanging gong in the Lord's ear and it has little to do with my aging vocal ability.  My mind often wonders and I don't always take to heart the words that I'm proclaiming at the top of my lungs.  


Another confession...I like to raise my hands when I'm praising.  Label me charismatic if that's not your thing.  It's fine by me.  Yes, I'm one of "THOSE people".  There were times when you couldn't have pried my hands from the back of the pew in front of me let alone get me to lift them in praise.  I've matured a bit since then and learned that we all praise differently.  I can't see me playing the tambourine anytime soon but I did do a great deal of dancing in Africa and Guatemala when I went to church there.  Maybe it was just a bit of the old saying, "When in Rome".  Truth be told though, I kinda liked it!  I've decided there is nothing wrong with being exuberant when we praise.   


Last month I was struck by a phrase in a praise song.   This particular time I was truly engaged in the words of the songs I was singing.  The overwhelming theme of two of the songs was God's love for us.  I'm singing along to a song I know I've sung at least 100 times and fully agreeing with every word out of my mouth when all the sudden, I felt a deep sense of sadness.  I'm joyfully proclaiming that the riches of Your love will always be enough, when I become painfully aware that not everyone can sing those words and mean them.  I'm also aware that there have been many times in my own life when those words were not true for me either.  


Is it really enough?  We sing about God's love being all we need but do we live our lives every day as though we truly believe what our lips are professing?  What about when we are alone or lonely?  What about when we have been cast out or abandoned?  What about when we feel utter desperation or fear?  What about when we feel defeated or cheated?  What about when we feel wronged?  What about when we get a diagnosis that shakes us to the core?  Do we believe with all our heart in those moments that God's love is enough?


We may not always believe it but it is true.  God's love is enough!  It can break through any barrier and through the blackest night.  It can cover over a multitude of sins.  It gives us hope when we have none.  In God's love we find our freedom.  We find courage to believe.  In God's love we even find the courage to believe that His love is enough.  


The bible says love never fails.  This means, it never stops, it is never insufficient, it never disappoints, it is never undependable, and it never falls short.  That sounds like it's enough for me!  


Gosh, I'm in the mood now to go do some praising.  If only I had a tambourine!  Hmm....














  

Gone But Not Forgotten

Dust Devil

On March 27, 2009 I posted the blog which I have added below.  I was just beginning to experiment with blogging.   The site isn't available anymore but I am able to access my old blogs.  The day I wrote this my emotions were swirling like a plastic grocery bag caught up in a West Texas dust devil.  (For those of you on the other side of the globe, the photo on the right is to help clarify "dust devil")  Thanks to some wonderful counseling from my sweet friend Jay I made it through a really tough few weeks.  The words below are all still true but they don't sting nearly as much today as they did then.





My Daddy died last Sunday.  The memories are bitter sweet.  As a little girl I couldn’t have loved my daddy more. As a teenager there was disappointment.  As a young woman a glimmer of hope which was shadowed again with more disappointment.  Now I’m 50 and I loved my daddy and I will miss him but I’m left with feelings that I don’t know what to do with.  He loved BIG.  He was human and he failed at much just like the rest of us.  He loved the Lord and for that I am grateful.  I know I will see him in heaven.  In death as in life he left me wanting just a little more of him for me.  I miss my daddy but then I have missed him for most of my life.  Unanswered questions but God knows and I trust in His healing power which I carry within me. 

The healing power of God is a mighty thing.  Yes time helps to ease the pain of loss but God is the "Great Physician" and he alone can heal all our hurts.  I carried around hurt for a long time and locked it away so carefully that even I had forgotten where I had placed it.  When my daddy was gone the box opened and the hurt and anger came spilling out.  God took all of that away and now all that remains is love.  Love for a man who tried his best.  Love for the man that God chose to be my daddy.   Love for a God who ALWAYS gets it right.

The Battle Within

I'm far from a poet but I wrote this the other day and I'm following up my post from earlier in the week with it.  So for all you literary types or English professionals you will have to overlook any rhythm missteps.  I just write it down as it comes to me and it isn't always pretty!  My senior English teacher, Miss Morgan would roll over if she saw some of the stuff I've posted.  So apologies to her.  She did try her best to educate me.

The battle is raging though my eyes cannot see
My mind keeps on screaming, "Let me be free!"
Flee from my memory and remind me no more
Stop standing and waiting crouched at my door


Long ago demons I thought were at rest
The struggle is frequent and unrelenting at best
They stir up my memories and mess with my mind
They spin me in circles and leave my eyes blind


Like a heavy black fog they creep into my dreams
Though I try to call out they silence my screams
They lurk in the scents and the tunes of my past
They cling and they claw with a grip that's so vast


So once again in full armor I struggle to stand
I draw out my sword and with bible in hand
I face down my enemy and retreat no more
I press ever forward and shout from my door


"That is not who I am or forever will be.
That is simply the old and the worst part of me!
God Cleansed me and gave me a robe of pure white.
His grace gives me freedom to fight the good fight."

Conjuring Up Fear

I wish that as a child I had understood that God was always with me.  I was told that God was everywhere but all that meant to me was that he knew if I was being bad because he could see me no matter where I was or what I was doing.  Got to love that guilt placed on me and countless other children in catechism classes.  My big confession each week before communion was that I fought with my sister.  The priest finally got so tired of hearing the same thing week after week that he told my parents my sister and I could skip confessing that one so that other people could have a turn.  Seems the penance for that infraction was to spend some time on your knees in a corner.  I'm not so sure my time counted though since I vaguely remember the whole time I was on my knees I was praying for my sister to be nicer!

When I was little I was terrified of the dark.  I was afraid of vampires long before they were cool and werewolves before they had six pack abs.   I was afraid of ghosts, devils, dogs that barked at me, whatever might be under the bed waiting to attack me and the mean old lady that sat on her porch between me and my friend's house down the street.  I hated to be alone.  It was of no comfort to me that God was everywhere.  My experiences with fear helped me to be much more understanding when our girls faced childhood fears of their own.

When Melanie was little she was always afraid to go anywhere by herself.  She never wanted to ask the lady at the cash register for change or make a trip to the bathroom by herself.  Thankfully Melanie had her cousin Ellen, who was a bit more bold, to go most everywhere with her all the way into adulthood.  Her sisters got a little tired of her overactive imagination but Ellen was her rock and let her stand in her shadow all the way to countless bathrooms and to face down the scary people waiting to take her order at the ice cream counter.  Melanie is a bit more bold today but definitely not an extrovert.

Now Lindsay was another story.  Lindsay is the middle child of the second set of three girls.  Lindsay was afraid to go to bed and her prayer each night for years was, "God bless everyone in the whole world except bad men and the devil. Amen."  She use to build a pillow and stuffed animal wall all around herself each night with precision.  I called it her fortress.  She would sleep snuggly in her little cushy cocoon while whoever slept with her complained that all her animals were taking up the whole bed.  The night light never seemed to be enough and she always wanted another light on.  This was also met with sibling complaints of having to sleep in the daylight.  I think that sometimes nights seemed eternal for Lindsay.  She was always the last to go to sleep and I truly did feel her pain.  Today she is still the last one to go to sleep.  Some habits are hard to break!

Today I try to deal with my fear in a more proactive way instead of cowering under the covers.  A popular Christian song has a phrase in it taken from Romans 8:31, "And if our God is for us, nothing can ever stop us and if our God is with us, nothing can stand against".  I love that line of the song.  What a powerful truth and freedom is in those few words.  Not even the worst fears we can conjure up can stand against God and that is comforting for me since I can conjure up some pretty scary stuff.  I've grown to realize that most of the battle is in my mind so it is important for me to fill my mind with the truth of God's word so that I can draw that double edged sword of His word whenever the need arises.

Here is a little something to sharpen your sword...
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you;  he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid;  Do not be discouraged."  Deuteronomy 31:8

You Don't Know What You're Asking

For the past few weeks I have been digging through old photos and family history.  I have traced part of my family back to the year 1000.  Let me tell you right now that when you go digging through the past you better be prepared for a few surprises.  Some surprises are fun and some I would just as soon have never known.  One of my ancestors escorted Jeanne d'Arc (Joan of Arc) into town when her army arrived in 1428.  How cool is that?  There were Kings guards, noblemen, mayors, one was the founder of the Templars, duelers and some accused of theft, looting, extortion, rape, arson and murder but were later pardoned by the king.  My family actually ended up in the United States after one ancestor was forced to leave France after an "unfortunate duel and disastrous affairs" in 1789.  Not so cool!  Well...the dueling part sounds sort of cool.

My Grandfather on left in 1914.

I woke early on January 12, 2011 with family history on my mind.  I began praying for my family.  Now often when I pray silently my mind tends to wonder a bit.  But in this moment I was very focused and I was making my appeal to the Lord and then as if He were sitting right there listening He replied "You don't know what you're asking.".

I admit I was a bit confused and surprised by the quick response.  I started going through my list of questions to make sure my prayers weren't being hindered by my worldly view.  Was I asking the impossible?  No, the bible tells me nothing is impossible for God.  Was I being selfish in my request?  I honestly don't think so.  Would it change the course of my family history? Yes.  Would lives be changed for the good in the long run.  Absolutely.  So what do you do in this situation?  What do you do when you ask God for something and you don't get the response you had hoped for?

I've spent some time thinking about it and have come to the conclusion that for me, in this particular instance, God was telling me that He could do it but that I wouldn't be able to bear it.  Since He has promised not to give me more than I can bear, I will take comfort in knowing that He knows what is best for me.  I will ask God to help me pray in accordance with His will so that I  know that my prayers will be answered.  I will remember what my pastor Patrick Payton said in 2002, "Prayer is where my arguments for my will and my choices begin to cease and where I adjust and surrender to the purposes and plans of God.".  I will refine my request until it lines up with God's will.

I love that I can courageously go before the throne of grace and continue to plead my case to a loving Father who will tell me no when it's for my good and encourage me to dig deeper within myself to reconcile the answer.  No matter what the history records say, my Father is God.  I am His treasured child and when I depart this world and my records are entered for future generations, I pray that no matter what else is said of me, that what will stand out is that I was a Christ Follower and that my descendants true heritage lies in heaven.

Maintaining Regrets

Regrets.  We all have them.   We regret not spending more time with a loved one who has died.  We regret yelling at our spouse or our children.  We regret telling that lie or maybe we just regret not buying that cute pair of shoes the other day that would've matched the pants we are wearing today.  Life is full of regrets.  Some are a learning experience.  Some are sad and some are just downright annoying when they keep reminding us of our shortcomings.  So what do you do with all those regrets?  

Although maybe not so humorous at the time, I have one regret that makes me smile and sometimes laugh.  I regret not checking on Crystal and her cousin a little sooner the Sunday afternoon they completely covered themselves and the entire bathroom with powder.  Two little ghostly white 4 year olds stood in a cloud of powder surrounded by powdery tiles, tub, toilet, carpet and sink, peering at me with the only things not white in the room, two little brown eyes and two little blue eyes.  This regret was short lived but one that helped me to remember to check on them a little more frequently.  This one definitely falls in the learning experience category.  I also regret not snapping a picture of the scene which I would've scanned and included here for your amusement.


When is comes right down to it, I think many regrets are born out of sin.  Things we did that we wish we hadn't done or things that we didn't do out of selfishness that we wish we had done.  Things we have long ago repented of and asked forgiveness for but we can't quiet rid ourselves from the memory of them.  This thought hit home for me while listening to the song, "How He Loves" by David Crowder.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ
A line from the song says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us.  Oh how He loves us. How He loves us oh."  Is that what I've been doing?  Do I carefully maintain my regrets?  Do I allow them to distract me from the fact that I'm a forgiven child of God.  Do I hold on to them instead of living in freedom from them?  


With 6 girls you can bet that they all have things that they wish they had said or not said and done or not done.  As their mom/stepmom, I would never consider reminding them of those things.  I would never want them to continue to hang on to anything that might cause them pain.  I love them all too much to want them to hurt.  Doesn't the same thing apply to all of us.  God our Father would never want us to maintain our regrets and continue to hang on to them.  He loves us too much for that!  


It's hard to let them go.  It's hard to forget them but maybe the point isn't to forget them but just to learn from them.  I've found that it takes courage to trust someone enough to believe that they will not hold your regrets against you but sometimes it takes more courage to not hold them against yourself.  Love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8  


Maybe I should live in grace and maintain my sanity instead of my regrets!

Becoming a More Beautiful You

My daughters Melanie and Lauren on the trip

Last summer my daughter Lauren saw some pictures posted by some missionary friends of ours and called me saying, "Mom, we have to go and help these people!"  So began the planning of my 4th trip to Guatemala.  Through those pictures God planted a desire in her heart.  A desire to go and share the love of Christ with them and hopefully meet some of their needs.  That was what she was able to tell the group of cold, wet dump site workers and dwellers that we encountered on a rainy day a few weeks ago in Chimaltenango, Guatemala.  


The first morning we were able to go to worship time at Gerizim school which is run by the Reynolds through His Appointed Time Ministry.  If you have never worshipped with a bunch of elementary school children who have little or nothing as far as comforts in their lives, it's something that I just could not explain to you here in words.  The raindrops were falling as we gathered outside under a covering and praised God for this blessed moment in time.

Maryorie with the Team
Our Team sponsors her financially at the school

Some of the children praying

Praying for one another.

By the time we left the school the gentle rain was turning into more of a downpour.
I can only tell you that it was by the grace of God that we even made it to the dump that day.  It was pouring rain and the dirt roads looked more like muddy rivers on the way up the  mountain.  Each time I was sure we would not make it through the next bad looking area somehow the wheels just kept on bouncing us closer to our destination.  We had prayed fervently for the rain to subside before we left the school but it soon became apparent that God was making sure we were serious about this portion of our mission.  Would we let the rain deter us or were we "all in"?  Well, I looked at the team and it was clear that these ladies were indeed ALL IN!!  They waded through the water and floating trash to a makeshift shelter where they endured heavy smoke and flies in order to share a message and our purpose.  They stood in the rain and distributed food, first aid kits and other items that we had acquired through financial donations.  A few of the young guys there seemed distracted and were laughing during some of the lesson.  When asked what they were giggling about they replied, "It's like Christmas!"  So what looked at first to be a lack of interest turned out to be an inability to contain their excitement.  In retrospect of this part of the mission I'm not sure how much of an impact we made on them, but I know that they made an indention on our hearts that will always be there.  To see them smile in the face of their adversity if only for a moment made the whole trip worthwhile.  Our time there was short but rewarding.

Buzzards

Dwelling

And more trash

Day two was our most planned for day.  This day was to be spent with a group of 10-16 year old young girls who we invited to come up to the Restoration Center where we were staying.  The city of Chimaltenango is known for its prostitution houses.  From the first time I went there I had a desire to reach out to young girls and hopefully touch this high risk group with the love of Christ.  So the day was titled "Becoming a More Beautiful You."

2 of our little beauties!

This day was sort of a Queen Esther day complete with a banquet for the girls.  First they did crafts and had their hair cut and fixed.  Their nails were polished and they were crowned with tiaras.  Now I can tell you that none of these beautiful girls needed any beauty treatments but neither did all the pretty girls rounded up for the king in the book of Esther.  The girls learned that being beautiful wasn't really about their outward beauty and that if they believed Jesus is King and they are daughters of God then they were indeed already a princess and that their actions should reflect that.  We had so much fun spoiling them and showering them with little gifts.  It was another day etched in our hearts and minds forever.

Sisters

Haircuts

The Team with all the girls.

Studying in their new bibles

Doing some crafts

Now day 3 fell on Sunday.  We were honored to be asked to give some testimonies in a local church that morning.  What a special time for us.  That afternoon we distributed food to some of the neediest people in the church and left bibles and other things for the pastor to dispense as he saw fit.  We also had supper served to these families and they heard more testimonies from our group.  They were a joy to worship with.  

Melanie gets a hug from a grateful family!

Some of the people enjoying their meal.

After months of planning and organizing the trip was coming to an end.  We accomplished all that was set before us but this hopefully is not where the story ends.  We may never know the lives that God chooses to change because we are obedient to His call.  I do know of 12 lives that will forever be changed though.  9 wonderful ladies and 2 daughters who said yes when I asked if they wanted to go on a mission to Guatemala.  What a wonderful display of courage as 11 brave souls trusted me to lead them to a 3rd world country and back without even the slightest hesitation.  Well honestly I guess they trusted God to get us there and back and I just went along to be bossy!  

Courage Isn't Without Heartache

This morning I was thinking about when my oldest daughter was just learning to read. We were out running errands and she was proudly showing off her new reading skills by reading all the signs along the way. When we pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store she read the name of the store and then read the other large words on the front of the building. "Food", "Drugs" she read aloud with confidence in her ability. She then innocently turned to me and asked, "Mom if they want people to stop taking drugs, why don't they just quit selling them?". It was obvious that they had been pushing the "Just Say No" campaign at school.

This is a bittersweet memory for me. If I had known on that day the intense battle that lay ahead of us, I would not have been laughing. I would have been face down on the floor begging God for mercy for this sweet child. Was this moment a foreshadowing of the future? I can't really say for sure. I only know that there were many days I wished she was still that sweet little brown eyed girl looking at me with her simple solution to one of life's dilemmas.

During her turbulent teenage years and into the early 20's of this precious child's life I learned what it meant to take courage to a whole new level. I did things I honestly didn't think I could do. Nothing heroic mind you, but it takes a great deal of courage to place your child in the care of others and walk away.

Day after day I prayed, "Please God, free her from this addiction. Please watch over her. Please, remove all the bad influences from her life. Please, Please, Please!". The prayer list was long and growing daily. I cried, begged and pleaded with God over and over. Then I realized one day it was time to just throw in the towel. Not to give up, but to give in. I admitted to God that I had a trust issue. I didn't trust God to take care of her, I didn't trust him to keep her from harm, I didn't trust him to find her a way out of this mess. I simply didn't trust God to love her more than I did.

God! You know, the one who created the universe, spun the world into existence and set the stars in space, well he just simply wasn't big enough to love her as much as me. For heavens sake I was her mom! No one could love her as much or as unconditionally as me. Right? Let me just say that I'm thankful that God is in the forgiving business because I was certainly standing in need of it. So after repenting of my unbelief, I timidly placed her in His hands.

Now when you place your child in God's hands and say, "They are your child God and I'm only part of their life because you chose me to be. Do with them what you will.", you don't stop worrying automatically. You gradually learn that with every worry you reach out to your source of strength and you ask Him to give you courage to face whatever the next minute, day, week, month or year holds. You ask Him to hold you as tightly as he is holding them. You submit to His will for their life as well as your own.

Today this beautiful young woman's life is a testament. God gives her courage each day to fight the good fight. He has restored what Satan tried to steal, kill and destroy. My life is richer and my courage and faith stronger because God allowed me to be her mom. The joy she has brought to my life far outweighs any pain that Satan, through addiction, caused.

She is a work of art designed by the Master's hands and I am the blessed Mom who get's to be a part of her life and His work.